Vajazzling is So Yesterday. What Your Vulva Needs is a Vajajay Tattoo!

7 years ago

When you were a kid, did you ever pick up a marker to add crazy eyes to your fist, designing an impromptu puppet? Maybe even add a little lipstick to make your fist puppet talk much to the delight of your friends.

No need to give up that kind of fun or friendly delight even though you are now a grown-up lady!

In fact, according to The Gloss, if you might have some, shall we say, neglected canvas just asking to be adorned, a new trend might be right up your alley:

Completely Bare Spa in New York City is now offering a bikini ink treatment, appropriately nicknamed “va-ttooing.” The temporary tattoos are airbrushed and last about five days. This sounds familiar to the fake tattoos I bought as a child at the vending machines for a quarter. However, I don’t recall experimenting with different locations for my Strawberry Shortcake tattoos.

Vajazzling your lady parts is apparently passé. Perhaps Swarovski crystals snagging thong after thong has proven to be impractical and/or perhaps vajazzling has been recalled because of the obvious chocking or ocular hazards to beloveds -- I don’t know, because I’m not on that Centers for Disease Control list-serv. Regardless, there’s a new way to turn your parts into temporary art, and the creative potential is limitless.

The esthicians at Completely Bare Spa use a waterproof paint that can be removed with baby oil or rubbing alcohol. The tattoo is airbrushed using a stencil right after the client's skin is waxed. They call it "bare with a flair." According to Style Apothocary:

Clients can get a flower, butterfly, sun, or calligraphy letters inked in their favorite color. A trained technician applies an exclusive stencil and airbrushes the ink directly onto the area, giving you a coy secret to hide—or reveal—as you choose. The ink lasts up to five days for commitment-free, flirtatious fun.

I know you’ve probably already picked up the phone to book your own vattoo appointment, but slow down, Sally.Think this through.The private parts arts deserve contemplation so that you can make the most of the inherent creative potential. I’ve compiled a few helpful hints for you to consider before assuming the vattoing position.

1.  First of all, just as with permanent tattooing, consider the skills and training of your artist before you spread your legs. A salon with a look-book? Good plan. A scruffy man with a airbrush he typically uses to create personalized license plates at the state fair? Not okay. (Though a pubic mons sunset is an excellent idea -- don’t lose that thought!) A pageant mom trying to make a few bucks for a new tiara by re-purposing her little diva’s spray tan machine? Sure, you may be able to get a good deal from her, but be on the look-out for cameras.

2. To wax or not to wax. Waxing gives you extra exposed canvas to be sure, but don’t forget leaving hair there can be incorporated into your design. Who wouldn’t want Tommy Chong, Abe Lincoln or your own favorite bearded man as wing man? You just KNOW Angelina pays homage to Brad’s goatee now and then, don’t you, keeping the romance alive? (He slowly removes Angelina’s Armani dress, and there he is, starring back at himself, and suddenly Brad’s not nursing his Inglorious Basterds Oscar slight any longer.) Show your sense of humor by with some red dye and a Bozo face -- maybe with a labia dye job to pull the color scheme throughout! Prefer country decor? A landing strip could be the base for a charming picnic scene, or perhaps an enchanting Parisian topiary landscape befitting Marie Antoinette is more your style. Classy! Trompe-l'œil (A third eye or nipple! A drawer with a tassel!) could be indescribably fun. Or, you know, you could get a butterfly.

3. One caveat. Consider any lovers and/or medical professionals you may be seeing before experimenting with subjects such as realistic depictions of insects or crustaceans. Cubist portraits could create cognitive confusion. Just to be on the safe side, also avoid Comic Sans when requesting inscriptions. Big turn-off for many.

Have you experienced the beauty and wonder of a bikini vattoo, do you stick with real ink in areas that don't encounter wax, or do you think that a woman’s natural body is a work of art as is? Do tell. Or close your eyes and dream the impossible dream, and share your own artistic visions -- or hand puppet designs -- in the comments.

Contributing Editor Deb Rox loves an inked woman as much as the next person does, but draws the line at using vajazzle crystals to make Tweety Bird's eyes twinkle.  Overkill!

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