Do any of my people know any people at E! cable television network? Because I want an audition, stat, for the most amazing, horrific, Frankenstein mash-up reality show competition to occur in these few precious months before the end of civlization: Bridalplasty!
Competing with other women to earn life threatening, optional cosmetic surgery procedures from my registry (Rhinoplasty, Mastopexy, Labiaplasty, lipo, removing my little toes so those Manolos fit better -- I'm going for the bridal gold!) all leading to the big prize: a dream wedding to a dude who didn't accept me as is but is going to vow to stay with me, now that I'm flawless, until death do us part? Sign me up! In every way, it will be PERFECT!
The Hollywood Reporter says that E! has ordered the show featuring celebrity surgeon Terry Dubrow, and it will have several layers of competition:
Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her "wish list." She's given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week's episode.
One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show's description, "possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride."
The last bride standing will receive a "dream wedding," where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. "Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery," E! said.
According to ABC News, experts assert that performing surgery as a prize is an ethical breach for medical professionals, but pesky Hippocratic Oaths are not slowing down E!. Others are blasting the Bridalplasty show as a new low in exploitation entertainment, only made possible by combining the ridiculous consumption glorified by the perfect-princess-for-a-day bridal industrial complex with ageist, misogynist, predatory procedures that transfer cultural damage into a fetish for sliced-and-diced plastic facades. The pursuit of a perfect wedding + the pursuit of a perfect body = perfectly disgusting television.
It truly couldn't get much worse. Which means Bridalplasty may be excellent reality TV, fulfilling the goal of providing a therapeutic hour wherein a hard-working mother can reassure herself that as compromised as her life might be, it isn't Bridalplasty bad.
But let's get back to me, and my fantasies of perfection! Can't you picture it: I would win the first weekly challenge and get my ears surgically Nimoyed, and then return to the show, bandages heroically waving in the wind, only to compete again, designing the perfect marzipan-lily-of-the-valley-lilac-infused-buttercream-six-tiered cake so that I can win my elbow tuck and cat eye lift, preparing to ultimately walk down the rose-strewn aisle for that perfect moment when my perfect veil of post-op gauze will be lifted, presenting me to my betrothed, finally perfectly perfect and finally worthy of his forever love?
What do you bet the men these whip-stitched and Botoxed women are marrying look like Homer Simpson's brothers, but the women are just fine with that, even think of them as sexy-hot-studdly-gorgeous, because they love them? Jeeze, people are crazy, right?
So is Bridalplasty the end of civilation? Even if it is, will you watching this Frankenstein of a show?
Contributing Editor Deb Rox, who blogs at Deb on the Rocks, is still traumatized by that episode of Sex & the City where Samantha turned her face into raw meat with a chemical peel right before Carrie's book launch, so on second thought she doesn't want to have anything to do with plastic surgery brides if blood or burnt skin is involved.
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