Not So Much

The blogosphere will be a twitter (that's funny, I don't care who you are) with all things Oscar today. Since I only watch for the red carpet and the monologue, I'm woefully uninformed.

Rather than blather on ad nausea about how Ellen killed (she did) or that Lupita Nyong'o ruled every carpet she walked this season (she did) I thought I'd regale you instead with my view of movies past and present that got a whole lotta lovin'  from everyone except from me. 

Some, but not all, were Oscar contenders or winners. I think.

1. Citizen Kane:

My name is Kathleen and I hated this movie. 

It's entirely possible I didn't get it. It's also likely, given Hollywood's overblown tendency to love itself since the invention of film, that despite the kudos this film gets fifty odd years after its making, it really does suck.

I dunno. I only know that I could barely stay awake. And don't think I wasn't pissed, after sitting on the edge of my seat (or almost falling off the couch after nodding off) to find out who Rosebud was, only to learn she was a sled. 


Citizen Crock of Shit is more like it.

Disclaimer- The only thing I've ever seen Orson Welles in that I found remotely interesting was the episode of I Love Lucy where he does a Shakespeare soliloquy and his magic show at Club Babaloo and then Lucy…wait...does this make me seem like a wacko?

Given that revelation, you might want to stop reading here.

2. Ghandi:

The last time I saw a movie with a man in a toga that I liked, John Belushi was wearing it.

I have the sensibilities of a 15 year old boy, perhaps, but this is yet another film that I suspect everyone says they love because they're afraid to say otherwise. It's Ghandi, for God's sake. Or, for Buddha's sake, or Shiva or Vishnu…whatever.

Hunger strikes are a downer, what can I say?

3. The Green Mile:

Remember this one? 

It started out as a Stephen King experiment. He sold it in installments instead of as one gigantic novel, which is weird, since every tome King puts out weighs in at about 12 pounds.

Anyhoo, the movie was no different. 

In case you need plot points, it told the story of some guys on death row, all apparently misunderstood because I think we were supposed to feel sad they were about to get fried. Especially that one giant guy who had magical powers but not magical enough to make the movie less excruciating.

It went on FOREVER.

By the end I volunteered to get in the chair myself and pull my own switch.

4. The English Patient:

Another film in which I prayed for death. His.

5. Most Woody Allen films:

Never mind his icky personal life. We're talking film here and most of his make me nuts in the first ten minutes.

First of all, he never shuts up. I think his neurotic narcissism is supposed to endear the audience to him. Instead, it makes me want to poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick.

Second, he always has a hot wife or girlfriend. Or, he has a choice of hot wives or girlfriends. 

Clearly, its why he writes the scripts.

Third, there is no third. 

6. 127 Hours:

That mountain climber guy who cuts his own arm off to get off the cliff. I think most of the audience would've done the same to get out of the theater.

One of those based on a true story films. I've read the guy still mountain climbs.

What a dumb ass.

7. Avatar:

I might hate this movie because James Cameron is a pretentious dick.

Yeah, that's it.

8. 12 Years a Slave- Two would've been plenty.

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