I've been a fan of the Twilight books since long before there was Twilight mania. But the Twilight movie, ugh. I never wanted to see another Twilight related movie again. It was so bad that it was even hard to heckle. And if I can't heckle something... Did I say ugh?
What was I thinking when I agreed to take RJ, her sister and her only slightly hesitant brother to see New Moon - at 7pm on Friday night? I'd like to blame menopause but I think I'll blame Honeybeast instead. It was HER idea.
There we were, in a theater full of screaming, bouncing, hysterical, over-caffeinated tween and teen girls (many of whom were in full Volturi costume.)
I pre-ordered the tickets weeks ago and felt blessed to be able to avoid the madness of that particular line. The refreshment line was a wee bit hyped up but the screaming was minimal (too many parents keeping the girls toned down?)
Then, I saw the line to get into the actual theaters showing New Moon... we were there an hour early and there were hundreds of hormonal teen girls ahead of us. I was frightened and also pleased that we hadn't arrived earlier. At the back of the line, I thought we'd be safe.
The manager of the theater lowered the velvet rope and the masses didn't just swarm, they ran, screamed, pushed, and trampled anything in their path. RJ started to surge along with them but I held out an arm and said "Hello. Are you crazy?" and we walked calmly to the second row of seats and sat ourselves down. Safe. We were safe. Our eardrums, not so much.
The screaming continued for the next three hours. Every time Edward appeared on screen, even when he appeared in a preview for his upcoming, non-vampire related flick "Remember Me". Every time Jacob appeared, particularly if he was shirtless, the screaming started. There was even a bit of screaming for Jasper, bless his heart.
Screaming makes it very hard to nap. Thank goodness for Raisinets (I'm #teamraisinet) and my iPhone. I Chattered/Tweeted and popped Raisinets to survive.
Rather than giving you a review of the movie, let me introduce you to RJ. She's 14 and vampire crazy (those of you who met her at BlogHer 09 can attest to this.) She cut her vampire teeth on the Twilight series but quickly moved to any other book that contains a bloodsucking fiend (Oh wait, she hasn't read Bloodsucking Fiends yet. Must introduce her to Chris Moore, soon!) Sookie Stackhouse is her hero. She's a Buffy junkie. And, I think she's read Dracula (yes, the real Dracula) three times. She also writes a blog called, wait for it, Vampire Vocab. Enough said, here's her review.
I was laughing all the way through this movie. It was simply so melodramatic, it was hilarious. Add that to the screams of delight from the theater full of tweenage girls, and you’ve got LOL comedy.
The fight scenes were charmingly ludicrous: Bella’s frantic screaming, and the wolves’ snarling, and the dramatic slow-mo vampire fight scenes...I was having a giggle fest. Though, I will admit, this movie was far better than Twilight.
While Twilight was depressing and mediocre, in New Moon, the mood was far lighter, the acting was better, and more enjoyable overall (thanks in part to the many scenes in which Taylor Lautner was shirtless.) Edward was more “I am a man of few words” than “I have nothing to say." Jacob was much more observant than in the book, and the transitions to wolf form, and the wolves themselves were actually done well. Jasper, with the two lines he speaks, is hilarious. Alice is...very interesting and likable. Overall, the Cullen family is no longer completely awkward and pathetic, rather, it seems more like an actual family of actual people, albeit actual people with freaky eyes. Charlie is a great dad and actually has a pretty major role in Bella’s life in this movie. I hope that continues in the Eclipse movie.
Now, onto the bad points. Bella’s endless squealing made her sound whiny and immature. Which she is, but still. Edward acts like a dog. He says things along the lines of “I’ll never leave Bella’s side until she orders me away.” (Arf, Arf, good Edward, have a Milkbone!) Seriously. Ick. Also, Jacob apparently takes the “I’m turning into a werewolf” thing to mean “I have license to be mean.” Even though he is a werewolf, (shape-shifter, if you want to get all technical), Jacob isn’t ever really mean in the books. Moody, sure. Resentful towards Edward, absolutely! But not mean. Ever. It takes away from his character. Bad move. The Volturi are more laughable than scary. The matching “V” necklaces that look like the one that Troy gave Gabriella in High School Musical 2 are a bit much. Just a bit, though.
On a scale of 1 to 100, Twi-Hards would give this movie a 100, normal people who have read the books would give it a 60, normal people who haven’t read the books would not understand it enough to rate it, and the unfortunate older brothers who are dragged to it by their sisters would give it a -50. I would give it a 70 because not only am I a recovering Twi-hard, but also, I found it incredibly funny. Especially when it wasn’t supposed to be.
If that's not enough New Moon mania for you, check out some of these links. (RJ and I particularly recommend Jennsylvania. This was the post that we both read right before heading to the theater to watch New Moon. Perfect!)
Oh and you definitely need to visit Momlogic who not only survived the teen girl screaming but shares an audio clip of what it was like to be in her theater. I felt her pain. I did.
Flamingo House Happenings
Editor's Note: The older brother dragged along to watch New Moon did not give the movie a -50, he gives it a 40.3.
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