Or: The Zodiac ... Is Whack.
I'm tired of vague newspaper horoscopes. I've cracked open my last fortune cookie only to discover the following: "Your friends find you sagacious but only the boll weevil laments the valise that is life."
Um, hello? Tell me something I don't know.
Nope, the old system is not working for me anymore. I have, therefore, as a public service and with no thought to personal gain (note to self: install PayPal button with next post) devised a new, modern and, dare I say, kick-ass zodiac system guaranteed to put a spring in your Crocs and a snap in your cosmic trunks.
It's a simple system based on birth month, and I like to call it: The Karm-O-Matic.
Special Animal: Ocelot
Dominant Furniture Item: End Table
Vibrational Cheese: Muenster
Overview: Those born in January are known for their shiny, manageable hair, the attractiveness of which might (or might not) be enhanced by oversized canine teeth. Born under what is often called the "Sign of the Fajita," Januarians have innate pan-frying skills, which they often call upon if cornered in the wild. Those born under this sign are fiercely protective of their young, although they do seem to dress them funny.
Special Animal: Lemur
Dominant Furniture Item: Murphy Bed
Vibrational Cheese: Asiago
Overview: Those born under this sign have an unnatural knack for recalling hockey stats, an ability that is greatly amplified by shaping the hair into an organic data receptacle, also known as a "mullet." An intensely creative people, Februarians are known for their explosive clog dances and fiercely woven tote bags. Under no circumstances should a Februarian become involved with a Junite. (No, I can't tell you why. It's is one of several Untalkedabout Things in the Karm-O-Matic System.)
Special Animal: Stuffed Bear
Dominant Furniture Item: Clothes Hamper
Vibrational Cheese: Alpine Lace
Overview: Ah, the Marchers. You know them, of course, as fruit leather artisans to the world, but did you also know they were pioneers in applying tuberous flowers to Rose Parade floats? Well, there you go. Although generally mild-mannered, those born under the Marcher banner are also really good at flicking things with a spork if annoyed, so, you know, heads up on that.
Special Animal: Birdie
Dominant Furniture Item: Davenport (No, really, you can look it up.)
Vibrational Cheese: Gouda
Overview: Those born under the "Sign of the Charcoal Insole" are known for their fastidiousness ... with one exception: they never, EVER, empty their car ashtrays. Landlords love Aprilites because they never stick thumbtacks in their apartment walls, but instead use those little blobs of goo to hold their posters. 23% of Aprilites possess an overwhelming and unfounded fear of inflatable rafts.
Special Animal: Duck
Dominant Furniture Item: Ottoman
Vibrational Cheese: Aerosol Bacon Cheddar
Overview: Don't ever make fun of a Mayjor's hat. That goes double for the Members Only jacket. That's really all you need to know.
Special Animal: Armadillo
Dominant Furniture Item: Umbrella Stand
Vibrational Cheese: Cottage
Overview: Junites are affable folks who love nothing more than to rent a movie from Blockbuster, bury it in their backyard and then sit around and talk about what it might have been like to watch it. They never cut in line and the only thing that gets under their skin is when someone pronounces "et cetera" as "ECK cetera." Unfortunately, entire suburbs have been wiped out as a result of this sensitivity.
Special Animal: Platypus
Dominant Furniture Item: TV Tray
Vibrational Cheese: Camembert
Overview: Known as the healers of the Karm-O-Matic System, Julysauruses are highly empathic, often describing others' feeling before said others are even aware of them. (Yes, it can be annoying.) A highly fragrant group, their soft, calming patchouli scent often lingers after they depart, in stark contrast to the acrid bite of smoking rubber from the patches their Corvettes laid on your driveway.
Special Animal: Gator
Dominant Furniture Item: Shelf
Vibrational Cheese: Mozzarella
Overview: Almost all middle-school principals are Augustonians. No one knows why, and we're all too scared to ask. Many people also hold those born under this sign responsible for the recent and ill-advised "jeggings" trend. I once saw an Augustonian recharge a cell-phone battery by pressing it to his forehead while doing a Robert Goulet impression. True story.
Special Animal: Cougar
Dominant Furniture Item: Hooked Rug
Vibrational Cheese: Limburger
Overview: Septemberites tend to be extremely organized and have been known to cross-reference their socks by wool content and country of origin. They are an easygoing group and make ideal mates for every sign in the Karm-O-Matic System. They also make mustard that is so hot it can burn your eyelashes off. Okay, not really, but that would be cool.
Special Animal: Flounder
Dominant Furniture Item: Coffee Table
Vibrational Cheese: Blue
Overview: Octoberians can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a -- wait, let me turn that dang radio off. Okay. Octoberians. As far as I know, there's only one, and she lives in a gated community outside of Seattle. Her neighbors say she keeps to herself, raises fighting voles and never takes off her crocheted hat. So there you have it.
Special Animal: Porpoise
Dominant Furniture Item: Bean Bag Chair
Vibrational Cheese: Brie
Overview: Some of our nation's most revered truckers are Novemberites. Fun fact: Those born under this sign never forget a joke, but they do occasionally forget to put on sweatpants before answering the door. Want to know the way to a Novemberite's heart? Offer him/her a brisk exfoliation. You're welcome.
Special Animal: Owl
Dominant Furniture Item: Captain's Chair
Vibrational Cheese: Ricotta
Overview: You will never catch a Decemberonian wearing a belt and shoes that don't match. Exactly half of them like lobster. As a group, they are surprisingly non-hairy, although one of them (last seen in the Dallas vicinity) single-handedly makes up for that. A Decemberonian will always loan you a pencil, but for God's sakes, don't chew the eraser.
When life gives you lemons, run 'em through the Karm-O-Matic!
Anna Lefler is a novelist and humorist who blogs at Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder.
More from entertainment