written by Lisa Newlin on May 2, 2013
As I’m sure you all know, Lindsay Lohan was supposed to begin her court-ordered mandatory 90 day stint in rehab today. I’m sure you know this because you all follow the story closely.
I follow it not because I’m so much concerned with her well-being, but I like to make jokes about what random animal her face looks like with whatever new botox/surgery she undergoes.
Fish. This time it’s a fish.
Lilo was ordered to report to a rehab facility today or face going to jail.
Fortunately for you, I am super connected, and snagged the intake form from the Newport Beach Facility where she was supposed to check in.****
“So when it doesn’t work, no one can name us!”
**Specializing in celebrity rehab and train wreck survivors**Intake Form
To be completed by staff
Impression of patient: Lilo appears to have an inflated sense of self. She is also delusional and believes she is (1) relevant and (2) famous for being talented.
Patient’s problems: Too numerous to document on this page. See attached binder.
Check all that apply
√ Hypersensitive to criticism
√ Full on Crazytown resident
√ In need of more than just drug rehab
√ Has ugly hair
Items patient brought
√ Baggage filled with daddy issues and identity confusion
√ Notebook with doodles of genitalia of both sexes
√ One Amy Winehouse CD “Rehab”
√ One bag of necklaces, many of which appear to belong to other rehab patients
√ 5 bottles of generic bleach, to be used to maintain hideous “blonde” hair
√ Cosmetic bag filled with shattered dreams
√ Names of the five people who watched her most recent movie, Liz and Dick(these are the names of people in a coma.)
√ Lifetime supply of orange-tinted self tanning lotion
√ Bill from Chateau Marmont Hotel for $46,350.04, with Lindsey’s writings in the margin at what appears to be her attempt at addition and subtraction.
- NOTE: All of her calculations are wrong.
√ 10 cartons of Newport cigarettes, which is ironic, as she is checking into a Newport Beach facility. *We believe this is her attempt at sarcasm.*
√ NO evidence of the patient’s pride, dignity or self esteem.
Focus of treatment
√ Encourage Lilo to join reality.
√ Convince her this dress doesn’t look good on anyone.
To be completed by patient
When did you first start using drugs and alcohol?
What substances do you use?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Banana snow cone
What is your financial situation?
Could you be pregnant?
Could you? (accompanied by a drawing of a middle finger)
Do you require any dietary accommodations?
Cigarettes. I require cigarettes. Lots of cigarettes.
There’s a party? Where? When? Do I have to wear panties? I’m there.
Would you like a firm pillow, a soft pillow, or one that’s in the middle (a.k.a. “Just right”)?
I don’t make good decisions, so you decide. But bring Goldilocks too. She’s hot and I wanna spoon her. I call “big spoon!”
Intake Remarks: Patient says she’s famous and starred in Herbie: Fully Loaded. I’m not sure about the film, but there’s no doubt this patient is “fully loaded.”
To be completed by staff
What is the patient’s biggest obstacle to treatment?
She is probably going to have issues with…..shit….she just took off…wait a minute…crap! That b*tch stole my necklace!
****No I didn’t. This is a totally made up intake form. But aren’t you impressed with my questions? Me too.
Lisa Newlin Embarrassing myself so you don't have to. You're welcome. http://lisanewlin.com
More from entertainment