I'm worried about us. Maleficent isn't scheduled to release until May 30, but we are already suffering from early warning signs of severe Jolie Overexposure. It's going to get worse in our fair kingdom before it gets better, dear ones. What are we going to do to survive this?
I'm especially worried about those of you who are anti-Brangelina to begin with, because I'm actually a big Angelina Jolie fan. If I'm sick of her already, others must be truly suffering. My thoughts are with you. She's not everyone's cup of poison. Once upon a time, though, I was excited about the concept of Maleficent. I remember hearing about the film and casting back in 2012 or the turn of the century or whenever the buzz began and thinking it brilliant. Finally, a Disney princess for Anne Sexton types!
Image via Disney Movies
I was still enthused when I saw the trailer sometime last year. It looked gorgeous, dark and deliciously campy. I turned to my movie-going partner and did the wide-eyed pantomime and exaggerated nod that tells everyone in the theater you approve of the preview and plan to occupy this same seat when the movie is released. Thumbs up.
But that was months ago. Now I'm steeling myself against continued Jolie Overexposure, and I'm not alone. Maybe it's PTSD because we're still growing back our thumbs from the worst case of Disney overexposure in recent history. Frozen Frostbite made for a dark winter, and I'm not ready to let it go yet. When photos of Disney parkgoers wearing Maleficent horns started appearing in my Instagram feed alongside Elsa dresses, I knew we were in for a rough summer without a spring thaw respite period.
Disney's "you will love this you will buy everything this" spinning wheel has all spindles throttling on high. Add to that Angelina's supernatural power to command attention when she so much as grabs a latte and put her in a badass role with freaking horns of plenty, and we are doomed to the cold coma of overexposure with nary a kissable prince in sight.
What can we do to survive the onslaught? I think we have three choices. We can take it like Jolie herself, we can pull a Jen, or we can channel Brad.What Would Jolie Do?
It's pretty clear that Angelina would not suffer at all in the face of too much Angelina, because she wouldn't notice it. She would stroll around New Orleans without a care in the world, doing cool stuff with her kids and never losing her sunglasses much less her mind. She has no likes to give for anything outside of her bubble. So in the face of too much Angelina, just ignore the Angelina buzz. What buzz? I don't hear any buzz. Malefiwho?Team Jen
We could face this problem with a full-on Aniston defense. Whenever the movie promotional machine pushes too hard, push back with vague, coded phrases. Say we're trying really, really hard to not be bitter about certain things that are just negative energy. We've learned! We've moved on! We're dating Justin Theroux! Villains are villains but we're happpppppy oh look a puppy!The Unbearable Lightness of Being Brad
Or, we can handle Jolie overexposure by being Brad. Just give in to it. In Brangelinalandia, there is no such thing as too much Ang. In fact, spend time seeking out more Angelina, more Maleficent. Angie knows what we need, anyway. Angie makes life so magical and dreamy that you won't even know what happened but it will feel great. Follow her anywhere and see the movie thirteen times. Roll in the sheets of Maleficent publicity until the entire hotel can hear you making animal noises! Carry the babies of Maleficent on your shoulders, letting them gnaw on your Disney horn hat forgetting that you ever wore a mouse ears hat. Mickey who? Just grin about how damn wonderful it is to be beautiful and Jolied, that's what Brad would do.
If you have a better plan, let me know. Perhaps you could also contact Billy Bob? I'll admit that he's scaring me a bit on Fargo, so I'd rather not make that call myself. One way or another, we're in this together. Here's to surviving all that Maleficent brings to bear upon our peaceful land.
More from entertainment