So, the illustrious People magazine named Channing Tatum the Sexiest Man Alive of 2012. I know, right? Channing Tatum? Really, People?
Credit Image: © Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPRESS.com
And because I have a lot to do at work and really am always setting an example for others, I decided to take a poll of the two guys who sit near me at work to see what they thought of this obvious error on the part of People.
Me: So what do you think of People’s Sexiest Man Alive choice this year?
Co-worker #1: Eh, I’m not impressed.
Me: Right? Though I am impressed that you even knew what I was talking about.
Co-worker #1: I’m in the know.
Me: Obviously. So who would you have chosen?
Co-worker #1: Oh I don’t know, I’ve always been a fan of Ryan Gosling, in a straight way of course.
Me: Of course. And also, this is why we work, you understand things like how Ryan Gosling should be the Sexiest Man. These are the things I look for in a good co-worker.
Co-worker #1: Glad I could help.
Me, turning around to talk to my other male co-worker and interrupting what looked to be a work spreadsheet of some sort: And what about you?
Co-worker #2: So what are we talking about?
Me: Uh, the Sexiest Man Alive.
Co-worker #2: Oh, right. Is that done by Vogue or something?
Me: Are you serious?
Co-worker #2: I don’t know, that sounds like something Vogue would do. Or some other woman’s magazine.
Co-worker #1: It’s People.
Co-worker #2: Oh, oh right. Uh, who’s the Sexiest Man?
Me: Did you seriously think it was determined by Vogue?
Co-worker #2: Honestly, I don’t even know what’s happening right now.
Me: Well they chose Channing Tatum.
Co-worker #2: Who?
Me: Channing Tatum. He kind of looks like every guy who works out at the local gym. He was in….Magic Mike? Step Up? The Vow….
Co-worker #1: 21 Jump Street….the not Jonah Hill guy.
Co-worker #2: Oh yeah! I know who that is. Huh. That’s an interesting choice.
Me: I disagree with it.
Co-worker #1: It’s amazing they didn’t consult you first.
Me: It really is.
However, had they thought to consult me first, I could’ve given them a list of men who I’ve never met who deserve to be on that list more than Not-Jonah-Hill Guy.
But before I do, I must acknowledge that I’m not standing in a unanimous pool of everyone with eyes who knows that Channing Tatum isn’t attractive. For example, some of you might remember my chat with Julia Allison
earlier this year where she put him on her list! I call technical foul on that one.
Therefore, to right PEOPLE’s wrong, I have made my own list of men much more worthy. Also, I have the utmost respect for men and do not believe in objectifying anyone. Except the people on this list, so let’s proceed:
Ben Affleck Ok, hear me out on this. I realize that he might not be as trending as Mr. Tatum at the moment, but he’s got staying power, and dare I say it, has gotten even more handsome with age. Plus, he’s proven to be a decent director, a seemingly good family man, and also, well, he’s hot. And I do not want to hear anyone’s comments about how Matt Damon’s cuter. He’s not, those are lies, let’s move on.
Ryan Gosling Duh.
Dr. Drew Yeah….I know. But here’s the thing: he’s a very handsome man! And he helps people. And he’s got that slightly nerdy-yet-jock thing going on (he’s a runner). And he’s a family man. And he’s got a sense of humor. And if I ever had a terrible addiction to heroin or ADD medication, he’d totally cure me. Also, I know too much about Dr. Drew. But for real, he’s better than Channing Tatum.
John Mayer I realize half of my readership just closed this tab in anger/horror/disgust. But you are wrong and here’s why: I know he makes weird faces when he sings, and maybe he’s not conventionally attractive like, say, Brad Pitt. But not only does he know that my body is a wonderland, he understands and embraces the fact that he’s kind of a d-bag yet can get to my soul by singing about love and loss. And if you’re CB and reading this, I know the laundry list of why you think this is a terrible choice because we have this conversation every single time I talk about John Mayer, so let’s just agree to disagree and realize that I’m right.
Scott Speedman For those of you who didn’t spend most of your college years in front of your 13 inch television watching Felicity and pretending that you were her and that guy in your English class you’ve never spoken to was Ben, let me fill you in: Scott Speedman is that guy from theUnderworld movies. The hot one. Also, he’s in that new show on ABC about navy guys, or army guys, or someone who does something important and says stuff like “Call the Pentagon immediately!” Yeah, that guy. He’s dreamy, he’s got a soft voice, he’s Canadian, and I think he lives in New York and so I have my eyes peeled at any moment to follow him around the block while I text all of my friends about how I’m about to get arrested for stalking Scott Speedman. Anyway, he should totally get chosen one of these days because he’s underrated and then I’d be proven right. Again.
And last but not least…..
Bradley Cooper I’d be alright with them choosing him two years in a row. I mean, the man’s got game. Also, in that scene in The Hangover when he and Zach Galifinakis are coming down the escalator in homage to Rain Manand he’s wearing that black suit? I mean….come ooooooon. Also, when he’s in the desert and calling the other guy’s fiancé to let her know that they might not get back in time for the wedding and he’s wearing that blue button-down and is all sweaty and dirty and wearing those sunglasses that make him even hotter? I rest my case. Also, excuse me for a moment.
And there you have it. A not-complete list of men that are more deserving than Channing Tatum. Also, if you’re Channing Tatum and reading this, I’m really sorry, I hear you’re a nice, decent guy who is a great cook and, like, cures cancer in your spare time. But I just….I just….oh who are we kidding, Channing Tatum isn’t reading this and so I'm sticking to my guns on this one.
What do you guys think, did I miss anyone obvious? (other than you, CB).