Do you know what time it is?
Mother Pucker, Glee is back, y'all!
At last we left, we were feeling all warm and toasty, Sue's Grinch having been foiled, Brittany's creepy Santa fetish intact, Kurt still warbling, and Artie...suddenly walking thanks to slick new robotic legs, courtesy my favorite new character of the season, Coach Beiste, who appears to have miraculously had them overnight shipped from Israel.
Which is awesome, because I was recently notified I won the Israeli lottery, and I totally did not want to have to wait forever for my 2.8 million shekels.
But, as we make our way into the second half of the second season, big questions remain. Will Finn forgive Rachel for her infidelity and excessive beret wearing? Will New Directions sing something for regionals that isn't heard playing at every Applebees franchise across the Midwest? Are Will and Emma going to keep playing cat and mouse until we all die a slow death of boredom and blue balls?
The answer is...
I have no idea. Regionals be damned in last night's episode, the songlist was the least of everyone's worries, and Emma Pillsbury has gone as MIA as Rachel's two gay dads.
At William McKinley High, the word of the day was turmoil:
- Sue, struggling to top her own greatness at an upcoming cheer competition.
- Tensions between the Glee boys and the jocks at an all time high, with Artie on the receiving end of a mass slushie drenching.
- Coach Beiste attempting to unite her very divided team of Glee performers and the guys who love to bully them.
Will, finally shedding his creepy desperate uncle persona, swoops in with a solution, as he and Beiste force the jocks to join the glee club for a week, performing a ghoulishly camptastic mashup of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and the Yeah, Yeah, Yeah's "Heads Will Roll." All is well until the jocks get a taste of their own medicine, courtesy a slushie to the face from the school's mullet-headed hockey team. Scared, they back out, resulting in Beiste booting them from the team.
Sue has been busy procuring a gigantic cannon from which to launch a Cheerio out of resulting in the greatest cheer performance known to man, never mind that it looks fatal and the principal forbade it unless Sue can convince a girl to sign a consent, which she does.
Simple Brittany. What she lacks in street smarts, she makes up for in dance moves and Britney Spears-grade auto tune, so I forgive her.
Now, because everything is a pissing contest with these two, Sue decides to reschedule the Cheerios' competition for the same night as the mandatory "Thriller" halftime show, resulting in a do-or-die ultimatum for Quinn, Santana and Brittany. Glee Club or Cheerios? They choose Sue.
Meanwhile, both Glee and the football team are unraveling, until a Hail Mary play by Finn brings the Cheerios back to the club, the jocks back to the field, and OMG the best mid-game musical number since Kurt's Single Ladies.
(Suck, it Blind Side.)
Finally, the world makes sense again; Glee clubbers and football jocks are dancing together, school costume and fog machine budgets, be damned.
But, will the I'm ok, you're ok love fest last? No. No it will not.
But, that's ok, because there is a new plot on the horizon. After a whole episode of Quinn and Finn making googly eyes at each other, the episode closes with Quinn kissing Finn in the hall after telling him he was amazing.
Never mind she's dating Sam's abs, or the fact that she reinforced every high school fear I ever had by convincing Finn she was pregnant after dry humping in a hot tub, only to deliver his best friend's baby.
Quinn and Finn are back on, I can feel it.
In the spirit of mashups, I totally tried to think of a clever couple nickname for them but Quinn and Finn are basically the same words, nowhere near as mashable as Frachel, Quam or Chang Squared.
The verdict? Free from the constraints of silly tribute shows, finally the story line makes sense again. I mean, don't get me wrong, I perform a heavily choreographed Britney number in a mid-drift every time I'm high at the dentist too, but, after Rachel butchered "Baby, One More Time," I'd had enough. I mean, a potential Bieber-themed episode? Have you no soul, Ryan Murphy? Thankfully, the dog days are over, and we're back on track to finish out the season strong. Hide your tots and Journey mix tapes, folks, Glee is back!
Songs featured this episode:
"California Gurls," Katie Perry
"Need You Now," Lady Antebellum
"She's Not There," The Zombies
"Bills, Bills, Bills," Destiny's Child
"Heads Will Roll," Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
"Thriller," Michael Jackson
Glee images courtesy FOX.
I say funny things.
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