Dave Barry FTW

3 years ago

Have y’all ever read something so funny that actually-and-for-true LOL? Or stagger around guffawing, unable to stand up from the mirth coursing through you? Then y’all haven’t read Dave Barry.

An excerpt from Dave Barry’s new book, which I am now buying as soon as I am done writing this, was published in the Time Ideas blog. It is an epic skewering of 50 Shades of Grey. I had tears of laughter running down my leg.

Here is a sample of his take on the plot:

So anyway, Anastasia and Christian meet, and he is of course attracted to her, although because of her walnut brain she can’t believe this despite the fact that, as I have already noted, every freaking person she meets is attracted to her. Christian starts stalking her and pressuring her to engage in—and I do not mean this to sound in any way judgmental—sicko pervert sex. He wants to tie her up with ropes, handcuffs, shackles, tape, etc. He wants to blindfold and gag her. He wants to spank her, whip her, flog her, cane her, paddle her, put nipple and genital clamps on her, bite her and use hot wax on her. We know this because he asks her to sign a contract agreeing to let him do these things to her. Yes! To be fair, the contract clearly states that there will be “no acts involving fire play . . . urination or defecation and the products thereof” and “no acts involving children or animals.” Because that’s the kind of old-fashioned cornball romantic Christian is.

What do you think Anastasia does when she sees this contract? Do you think she gets herself a restraining order and an industrial-sized drum of pepper spray, which would be the response of a normal sane woman or reasonably intelligent cocker spaniel? Not our Anastasia! Crap no! She decides to go right ahead and get into a sexual relationship with Christian even though she thinks he is a moody weirdo pervert. (But hot!)

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a book to buy.

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