I am not a deeply religious person, but I do believe in the Holy Trinity: The Today Show, The Dr. Oz Show and The Ellen DeGeneres Show. I wish I could lie and tell you I get all my up-to-the minute information from Wolf Blitzer or Rachel Maddow. It could be worse, though, I could worship before the altars of Maury Povitch, Montel Williams or Jerry Springer. But it’s still embarrassing to admit. Maybe there is a support group for people like me.
Image: Warner Bros
Me: Hi, I’m Amy and on the next episode of…I mean, I watch too much daytime television.
TVA’s (television addicts anonymous): C’mon down, Amy. You’re the next person to tell us your sad tale.
I started out with the less addictive stuff early on. You know, a little Electric Company, a little Sesame Street. It was all innocent fun. And then it became more hard core. All My Children in high school morphed into General Hospital in college. All My Children was my soap of choice, but my roommates all watched Luke and Laura so I tried it. And I was hooked. That lasted until I had to enter the real world and we only had VCR’s. For all I know, I taped General Hospital once I was a working girl, but I truly don’t remember and, even if I did, I’m sure I would never have been able to find the taped episodes with all that fast forwarding and rewinding going on.
So life was busy and then kids came along and it got even busier and before you know it, I was back to children’s daytime programming. Only this time it was Blue’s Clues and Dora the Explorer. I tried to get my kids to watch Oscar the Grouch and Mr. Rogers, but they preferred those mutant Teletubbies. For some reason, Po saying “Eh oh” sounded way weirder than Scooby saying “Rut Ro”. The 70’s were just simpler times, that’s all I’m saying.
And then a very bad thing came on the market. They were selling them everywhere so I succumbed: DVR’s. Bad because now I could feed my addiction any time of the day or night with a simple touch of a button. Slowly I began “taping” shows. Just the first hour of The Today Show. That’s all I really needed, I told myself. That first hour is when the hard-hitting news is on. The second hour wasn’t necessary. Until it was. And before I knew it, I was taping the second hour AND the third hour. And then I hit rock bottom: I began taping Hoda and Kathie Lee. Four hours of that show. No one needs to watch four hours of anything and that includes home movies and old VCR footage of your wedding day.
I needed help and I needed it bad. Four hours of The Today Show, followed by an hour of Ellen DeGeneres every day. Things seemed dire. I tried adding in another day at the gym thinking that would help but my problem just followed me. Every day Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie were yucking it up on the television high above my treadmill. I felt like I was doomed until I realized it wasn’t as bad as it seemed: I don’t play Candy Crush, I gave up Scrabble with Friends, and I haven’t watched one episode of Orange is the New Black.
I’m happy to report that the Summer Rerun Detox Program seems to be working after all. No Ellen and just a small dose of Dr. Oz. It’s been a hard pill to swallow, but I may finally be on the road to recovery. That is until Fall rolls around. Stay tuned.
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