Friends. STOP THE INSANITY! Mercury is in retrograde this month. I'm here to make sure you're ready.
August is a month of fun and happiness for you, dear Aries. But don't get too stoked. You need to make sure you're watching your every step and not reenacting the infamous "sock dance" in Risky Business every night. With Mercury in retrograde, you're more likely to make a mistake. (Read: stop at your second shot of tequila or you'll end up on a stretcher in nothing but a dress shirt.)
This month is all about family and your home requiring a lot of your attention. Sick of the kids and ready for them to go back to school? Well, tough crap because THEY NEED YOU RIGHT NOW, MOM. And if you don't have kids, you're not out of the woods. Get ready for your parents to do the "pop-in" and stay at your place for the weekend. Don't say I didn't warn you. Mercury in retrograde means problem solving time for you. Make sure you think twice about which Harry Potter tattoo you want on your ankle.
Mercury in retrograde means a lot for you this month, Gemini. Like, don't travel. No, I'm not being a jerk. BE CAREFUL. Check for gremlins on the wing of the plane on your flight back from BlogHer. Chances are they'll be there. Retrograde also means issues with communication for you. So, don't even bother trying to outsmart that telemarketer on the phone. You'll end up buying a ShamWow for everyone in your family.
If you're planning on making any big money decisions this month (like whether or not to buy me - er…YOURSELF an iPad) - hold off until the end of the month. Your financial insight will be much clearer then. You also shouldn't think about loaning anyone any money, because chances are you won't see it again. Tell your sister that she doesn't really need borrow money to get hair extensions. They'll look like shit anyway.
Happy birthday Lioness! Mercury in retrograde marks a time when you're more likely to make a major monetary decision regarding your appearance. Will you try highlights? Botox? Or the Heidi Montag? (Just to be clear - NO ONE should try a Heidi Montag. Not even her. Have you seen her face?) You may also have the temptation to believe that the world revolves around you this month. You ARE celebrating your birthday, right? Well, KNOCK IT OFF. Use your birthday ego for the better, like forgoing gifts in lieu of donations to your favorite charity.
August is a month of friendship, and you should take full advantage of your compadres. Confide in them and let them be there for you. (However if you don't have any friends, please don't resort to AdultFriendFinder dot com. Trust me. They're not trying to be friends with you. Unless sending each other naked photos is friendship these days.) (Which it might be.)
Be careful this month, Libra. There's a good chance you could piss off one of your dear friends without even knowing it. Be smart about it and apologize the moment you realize what you've done. Other than that little hiccup, the rest of the month should be all about feeling content and comfortable with your life. So put that crazy grin on your face and soak it up! It's okay if strangers think your smile is kind of creepy. Screw 'em. You're happy!
This month is looking good for a raise or promotion at your place of work. You might even feel compelled to ask for one! Looking for a job? August might be your month. Stay at home mom? YOU DESERVE A RAISE TOO. So, start hinting to your kids that they're getting a decrease in their allowance. Because mommy needs a spa day. Once a month. Until forever.
Travel, travel, travel. That's what's on your mind now, Sagittarius. Make sure you have one of those travel vests or some other unfashionable document storage. Mercury in retrograde means there's a good chance you'll lose your tickets, or your ID. Or your mind. But mostly documents. And make sure you're double-checking which flight you booked. There ARE two Palm Springs, you know. Only one of them is full of old people.
Unfortunately, Capricorn, August is a month of delays for you. Mostly around money. So before you buy those Manolo Blaniks, make sure you check your bank account to make sure you did indeed get paid. Nothing's more embarrassing that having your card denied at Neiman's. Not that I'd know. You also tend to get aggravated with your partner this month so watch your tongue. Especially if they're upset about your shoe purchase.
You'll feel compelled to work this month, which is a good thing because MAN, are you busy! This is all well and good, but don't OVERwork; you'll tend to be more accident prone. Which means tripping over the latest shipment of johnson rods (this is a Seinfeld joke - 20 points if you got it) or carpal tunnel. And lord knows leg and wrist braces aren't the most fashionable accessory. Just watch yourself and you'll do great things.
If ever there was a month to not start shit with anyone, this is it, Pisces. Seriously. You'll affect your work and your health. So as much as your partner is being a douche about the thermostat, don't call them on it. Likewise, take care of yourself during August. Please don't resort to those weird magnet bracelets and oil of whatever-herb-is-in-the-news to make you feel good. Just good old fashioned rest & relaxation, some exercise and vitamin C. And REAL vitamin C. I'm talking oranges. Not fizzy, slam-it-like-a-shot stuff. Oranges are delicious. Mmmm….oranges.
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