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Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
You’ll realize that bout of déjà vu you had last week wasn’t actually déjà vu when you discover you’ve been reliving every scene from the movie Adventures In Babysitting in real life. Now, time to prepare yourself for having one of your kids scale the Diamond Building in Chicago.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
After sending the link to “Actresses Without Teeth” to all of your friends, you’ll tragically lose all of your own teeth during an ill-fated laundry accident. But, turn that toothless frown upside-down! Send a pic of your own empty mouth to those same friends and keep the laughs going!
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21)
Your idea for a new television show involving a duck hunter’s fashion boutique/pawn shop could either make you a millionaire or put you in the nut house. Either way, the CEO from the Duck Dynasty show will steal your idea and laugh all the way back to the network.
Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22)
Financial luck is on your side this month! One of the email scams you regularly receive won’t actually be a scam, but in fact bring millions of dollars into your life. Now, to invest in those discount Viagra, or provide all your information to a Nigerian bank…?
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
Listen. Your mother-in-law DIDN’T MEAN IT when she said your three-bean casserole made her ill for weeks. I mean, she meant it, but in reality it was her black soul that made her ill for weeks. Put this month in the “win” column.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
This month will be an emotionally difficult one, what with the absence of new Walking Dead episodes and your grocer being out of your favorite ice cream. But do not fret; your friends will be there for you in your time of need with wine and Mean Girls on DVD.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23)
Thinking of changing your hair this month? DON’T DO IT. Turns out the “Miley Cyrus” isn’t for every one. Too late? Hmmm…well, Grace Jones had something going for her, right? Keep your eyes on Craigslist for anyone casting yet another Conan The Destroyer sequel.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
This month may result in a major communication snafu for you. So, take a moment before you hit send on your emails or text messages. It’s one thing to tell your coworker about that time your boss’s hair made him look like Doc Brown in Back to the Future, but it’s another thing to tell your boss that. Or the whole company.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
April is a month to make a change, Sagittarius. So, instead of spending every Friday night watching The Notebook with your cats, maybe this Friday watch When Harry Met Sally instead. I know, I know, this is crazy talk. But TRUST ME. Even Ryan Gosling is taking a break from himself. You should too.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Seems like you can’t slow down this month, can you? Well, try to take a breather now and then. Downtime is important. Except, maybe not during rush hour. Other drivers seem to react negatively when people nap in the driver’s seat.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Go out on a limb and try something new this month! And just by coincidence, sexy saxophone is making a comeback in music. So grab a sax, load up your iPod with “Careless Whisper” by George Michael on repeat and START LEARNING. You’ll be touring with adult contemporary artists before you know it.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Bummed out after a less than stellar turnout to your birthday this year? It’s not that your friends don’t like you anymore. Maybe next year, try to think of a better theme than “Competitive Baked Bean Eating.” Then you won’t end up alone with four gallons of baked beans in your living room.
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