The new season of The Bachelor is now officially underway so it's time I introduce you to The Bachelor drinking game. Got a pencil? Every time Bachelor Sean and/or the bachelorettes say certain words, take a drink of the beverage of your choice. This week, it’s water. (Yeah, I’m a wild woman. Tell me something I don’t already know.)
So, for example, during last night's episode I…really had to pee.
By the numbers:
journey = 1 drink
“love of my life” = 1 swig
talking about how “real” it is = 4 (glug, glug, glug, glug)
Sean is the “perfect guy” = 1 (hiccup)
fairy tale = 2 shots
connection = 1 (really? Only one? That’s surprising.)
2 = number of women being one way with Sean and another with the other girls
3 = number of times Sean was shirtless
4 = number of times Sarah reminded us that she only has one arm
Image courtesy of ABC
Last night's episode began with the arrival of the date cards. This is the first time in Bachelor history that Chris Harrison didn’t insult our intelligence and explain how the date cards work. Or maybe he did and I’m just really good at tuning him out. Either way, the first card arrived and it had one-armed Sarah’s name all over it. “Are you ready to fall in love today?” Clearly that means they’re jumping off of something. In her interviews, Sarah kept saying things like, “just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we’re going to be able to stop having fun” and “my ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” I don’t have enough fingers to count the number of times Sarah talked about her missing arm. (Actually I do, it was only four, but it felt like 15.)
Sean and his Gap v-neck tee picked Sarah up in a helicopter (natch) to take her on their date: free falling 300 feet off the top of a building to get to their champagne toast. (Um, couldn’t she just take the elevator?) A visibly nervous Sarah said she’d be OK, “as long as we take this plunge together.” Blerg. After the jump (which was more like butt scooting off the side of a building rather than jumping), the two shared a tender moment when Sarah told Sean how she’d tried to go zip lining in Las Vegas but was refused because she had a disability. Sarah got a rose and the first makeout sesh and was the first girl this season to proclaim to viewers she was falling in love with Sean.
The next day, Sean arrived in his best plaid shirt for a group date with 13 ladies which was every girl’s dream: a Harlequin book cover photo shoot. (Oh, Bachelor producers, you know women sooooo well!) Well, Kristy’s dream (‘cuz she’s a model from Wisconsin, y’all!) The winning woman received a book cover. At the photo shoot, Tierra visibly irritated Robyn with her over-the-top reactions. The shoot ended in typical Bachelor fashion – with a pool party! Kristy kept swooning about landing the cover of Harlequin (watch out Fabio, she’s comin’ for ya!) In the meantime, Sean changed into yet another plaid shirt.
Meanwhile, behind the pool, Lesley and Sean wanted to kiss but were too awkward to do it during their one-on-one time because they were 12-years-old. Lesley tracked him down a little later and kissed him, while Daniella provided the play-by-play for the cameras without once getting up. “They’re going to have a makeout session, I can feel it. Yep, they’re making out right now. That’s not OK with me.” And yet she sat.
Kacie B. from Ben’s season (not sure why the B. is necessary, since she’s the only Kacie) is relieved that Sean sees her as a romantic possibility and not just in the friend zone. And graphic designer Catherine just put it out there. “I’m vegan but I love the beef.” Sean seemed to eat that up. (pun intended).
Yoga instructor Katie was not feeling zen about the experience and eliminated herself, and Sean gave the rose to Kacie B. Based on her reaction, I predict Tierra will definitely have a meltdown this season.
The final date went to Desiree. Sean’s cheesiness from Emily’s season reared its ugly head in the form of a prank against Desiree. (You may recall that his family was a merry band of pranksters during Emily’s hometown date during the Bachelorette.) The Bachelor producers actually staged an art gallery opening and hired actors to make Desiree believe she destroyed a $1.5 million work of art. Sean started to feel bad about the prank as he watched it unfold, telling Chris Harrison, “She’s so sweet and personable.” Yeah? So’s my insurance agent.
Desiree wasn’t really buying the “artist’s” accusations in phony French that she destroyed his masterpiece, considering she was nowhere near it when it spontaneously fell and shattered into a million pieces. Sean finally came to her (and our) rescue by telling her, “I support you. No matter what happens I’m always going to support you.” Then he was all, “gotcha!” and she was like, “Oh, you got me so good!” and they went back to his place to have dinner. The conversation was riveting, let me tell you. They talked about how in love their parents still are. “My dad always supports my mom.” “Mine too!” *takes a bite of steak* “Even when she’s wrong!” “Mine too!” *Nom, nom, nom.* After dinner, they head to the hot tub (of course), where Sean is once again shirtless and reveals red and white swim trunks that are clearly from the “Where’s Waldo” collection of Sears.
Later, at the cocktail party, Sean had a nice chat with Lindsay (sans wedding dress) about how they should marry their best friends before they lose their hair and get fat.
A girl named Amanda who, until that point, I’d never seen before, sat on the couch with her arms crossed and glared at everyone. A real Fiona Apple, if you will. Narrator Daniella referred to her as a “tornado of negativity.”
Robyn grabbed some one-on-one time with Sean and asked him if he’s attracted to “the sistas.” Sean says he doesn’t have a type. He wants someone sweet, intelligent and funny. Which totally makes sense since he heads right over to Amanda (!) who miraculous springs to life and grew a personality right before our eyes (kinda like a Shrinky Dink!)
At the rose ceremony, Sean had to say goodbye to two girls. Desiree was pretty pissed when Sean picked Fiona. Something tells me there’s gonna be some friction between those two.
What do we have to look forward to next week? Glad you asked! Sean and the ladies ride roller coasters at an amusement park (because that’s what adults do on dates), attempt to set the record for longest on-screen kiss, and Sean takes off his shirt. Oh, and Tierra “I get what I want” takes a tumble down the stairs.
Do you play some form of Bachelor the drinking game? Which phrases do you use?
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