On the eve of another Oscar award ceremony, whereby Hollywood kisses each other's asses and pretends to be all humble when we all know they secretly hate each other, I have compiled a list of my own making, which I believe is more appropriate.
So put on your fancy clothes, hire a limo, pour some bubbly, smile for the paparazzo, and prepare an acceptance speech (and for the love of God do not begin to rise from your seat until the entire name has been announced- I'm looking at you Taylor Swift).
Best Original Screenplay which has been badly adapted into real life.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford
Best Visual Effects which have me holding my breath and confirming my suspicions.
Best Live Action Short Film by narcissistic blow-bag.
Any video by Kanye West
Best Animated Short Film which includes Baby Momma of narcissistic blow-bag.
That Kanye West video with Kim on the hog, and ON THE HOG.
Best Makeup and Hairstyling- ever.
Best Foriegn Language Film used for Propaganda.
Any frame of Putin at the Sochi Winter Olympics
Best Directing of underage offspring.
Best Costume Design which, on any other day, is just regular clothing.
with her politically-correct adopted son John Banda, because Circus Ringmaster Dominatrix is always endearing.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role, usually a political wife.
Tony Wiener's wife
(It never comes out right. Maybe she should have thought about that before).
Best Actor in a Supporting Role,
'cause who is he kidding?
Best Actress in a Leading Role,
'cause one needs Hope
(see what I did there?).
Best Actor in a Leading Role
(God, I'll miss him).
(whoops- not that dog)
Looks pretty good from up here.