You know when you are sitting there, doing your taxes and researching life insurance premiums, thinking to yourself, I am such an adult right now, how awesome and mature am I?
And then, you turn on the television to watch C-Span, and as you are flipping around, you see an ad for the MTV Movie Awards, and you are all, ugh, like MTV is even still on the air, they don't even know what good music is anymore, it's just noise.
hosted by Jason Sudeikis...
Who the hell is Jason Sudeikis? Oh, right, that one funny guy left on Saturday Night Live. Pass.
performance by Foo Fighters...
Meh. I need to see how this whole debt ceiling thing plays out.
world premiere of the trailer for Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn...
OMG EVERYONE BE QUIET, MAMA HAS TO WATCH HER SHOW.
In case you missed the 2011 MTV Movie Awards, I'm here to relive it with you. But, if you won't take my word for it, and want to see it for yourself, you better get on it, because MTV is only going to re-air about it 400 more times this week.
In the vast tradition of award shows, host Jason Sudeikis began the evening by taking the audience on a trip, Hangover style, down the short list of best movie nominees. Jason loses twilight's Taylor Lautner after a blurry night of drinking with Justin Bartha. It was a funny parody that left me wondering why on earth Jason Sudeikis wasn't in the Hangover to begin with? He is a way more doable version of Ed Helms. This also marked the first time I've watch Taylor Lautner on the big screen and not wanted to punch myself in the face since 2005's Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
The opening monologue is always awkward. It's mostly Sudeikis making timely and witty puns on today's pop culture and political environment, Kristen Stewart acting totally annoyed every time the camera cuts to her, Selena Gomez embarrassed she's still dating Justin Bieber, and the majority of MTV viewers having no idea what Sudeikis is even talking about and seriously, who is Arnold Swartzkoff, and why isn't my mom taking care of my crying baby?
Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake kicked things off by playfully shooting down dating rumors, going to third base with each other on stage, and handing out the award for Best Male Performance. Team Edward emerges victorious, with Robert Pattinson taking the stage to make his acceptance speech, at which point, I promptly muted my television, as to preserve the fantasy that he talks like a 150 year old brooding teenage vampire, and not, in fact, like Dumbledore.
Elle Fanning, J.J. Abrams, someone's random teenage nephew and Steven Spielberg (yes he was there, I think he got lost, or someone roofied him?) took the stage to introduce an exclusive preview for their new movie, Super 8. It's a train wreck, literally. That's really all I can tell you, because I have no idea what the movie is about. It's like if M. Night Shyamalan and Cloverfield had a baby. It was that puzzling.
Next up, Emma Stone, Ryan Gosling and Steve Carell gathered to hand out the award for Best Villian to Tom Felton. Yeah, I had no idea who he was either, but turns out, he's the guy who plays Malfoy in Harry Potter. It was exciting to see him without the creepy white,slicked back hair, and to let him have his moment on stage, because they are done filming and he'll probably never be heard from again. Unless he joins a boy band, and even then...
Jim Carrey was brought out to introduce the Foo Fighters, because remember, this is MTV and they sometimes play music.
The Foo Fighters were great, as always, but they left me feeling old and fighting the urge to find my flannel shirts and pierce my nose with a really obnoxious and angst ridden hoop.
Aziz Ansari, Danny McBride and Nick Swardson, better known as the funniest guys ever, that you don't even realize you totally know, passed out the golden popcorn to the Best Jaw Dropping Moment. Justin Bieber won. So, yeah. That happened.
Cutting back to Sudeikis bantering with the audiences, eventually interviewing the boulder that crushes James Franco's arm in the movie I refuse to watch, thanks to my uncontrollable anxiety and claustrophobia. In true Hollywood form, the boulder has high hopes to eventually make his way into porn. I could make a rock hard joke here, but...
Then Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Josh Duhamel, and Patrick Dempsey came on stage to celebrate Best Fight, with the award going to Twilight Saga: Eclipse. First of all, Harry Potter's Emma Watson looked all WTF, Pattinson, you turn coat! But, seriously, it was a great fight scene, the only real competition coming from the little girl from Kick Ass. She was the best thing about that horribly uncomfortable movie.
Sudeikis took the main stage again, performing a series of theme songs that never were, mocking the Green Lantern, Just Go With It, Buried, and Jackass 400. It wasn't awkward at all.
Thankfully, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds emerged to award the ever popular, Best Kiss. But, will they kiss? No. She's dating Leo, yo. Blake is straight legit now. Best Kiss was handed out to Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. And, why am I just now realizing Stewart is actually wearing chucks with her couture gown? As to not fan the flames of the are they or aren't they elk, Pattinson and Stewart avoid liplocking on stage, with Pattinson taking to the audience to plant one on Lautner. It was adorable.
Emma Watson, who's dangerously close to the awkward grow-out stage of a pixie cut, introduced an exclusive Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 2 preview, and for 30 vague seconds, I am reminded why I spent the entire seventh book bawling my eyes out.
Next up was the Generation Award, presented by Robert Pattinson, Chelsea Handler, and Patrick Dempsey...ok, here's were shit gets crazy. They are presenting the honor to Reese Witherspoon, because, while she may only be 35, that's, like, 80 in MTV years. So, they all talk about their connection to Witherspoon, and it's ad-libby and weird, and then Robert Pattinson announces he fucked her and talks about girdles, and nobody has any idea what the hell is going on. Thank god for Chelsea Handler who was, at the very least, coherent. They went on to show a montage of clips from all her movies, and I quickly realize I have seen every one of them. Even Four Christmases. I should win something.
Reese's speech was amazing, not just because she deserves it, which she does, but she also takes the opportunity to school all the reality show, sex tape, naked pic peddling wanna be starlets about making it in Hollywood based on hard work and merit. It was refreshing.
Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel took the stage to hand out the award for Best Line from a Movie. This was less like an award and more like a Facebook meme, but whatever. Alexys Nycole Sanchez came out victorious for her line in Grown Ups about wanting to be chocolate wasted. Ugh, we all do sweetie.
Ashton Kutcher and Nicki Minaj presented the Best Female Performance honor to Kristen Stewart. It was completely uneventful. Nicki Minaj was wearing a bra for a shirt. Kristen gave a super quick speech, saying thanks and then stammering under her breath until she could escape, because girlfriend does not like award shows or being in public, and if she wasn't an actress, I have no doubt she'd be a hoarder.
Jason Bateman, who is totally on my free pass list, and Charlie Day presented Best Comedic Performance, and I was pleased as pie Emma Stone won. Seriously y'all, this girl is endearing and has amazing comedic timing, and if you haven't seen Easy A you should, because I know it looks corny and it's in the $10 movie bin at Target, but trust me, it's hilarious.
Now finally, the reason any morally questionable grown woman is up at xanax o'clock on a school night, the world premiere of the new trailer for Breaking Dawn Part 1. OMG THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED THIS IS THE BEST AWARD SHOW EVER JUST GIVE ME A SECOND WHILE I REWIND THIS TEN MORE TIMES AND WATCH IT ON THE PHONE WITH MY MOM.
Things are winding down, and as a last hurrah, for reasons that remain completely unclear to me, Gary Busey takes the stage in a giant hamster ball to present the final award for the Best Movie. On trend with every other award of the evening, Twilight Saga: Eclipse wins, with the entire cast storming the stage, and Lautner making a very quick, gracious thank you speech, and every one exhaling they didn't make Kristen Stewart take the mic, because a person can only take so much awkward teenage angst before we all re-start our periods.
It was quite a night. While the show felt long, and Sudeikis' talent felt contrived and largely wasted, it was no less entertaining and fun.
But next year, I am totally going to be too old to sit through this crap. Probably.
I say funny things.
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