Went Clothes Shopping and Lost Myself

5 years ago
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I am literally giddy as I make the turn into the parking lot of my favorite clothing store. My sister gave me a wonderful gift card for Christmas and I have been waiting for the right moment to finally buy myself some new clothes.


I pause for a moment just inside the big glass doors and take in a deep breath. The aroma of NEW is in the air. The bright colors hanging from flirty blouse racks along side a stack of cute sweaters catch my eye. It has been two years since my job loss and with no extra income, it has also been nearly two years since I have shopped for anything fun...or even some practical jeans.


My hand moves along the hangers quickly because even though I do not know what I want today, I do know what I don't like. "Click, click, click". The familar sound of shopping makes me smile and look forward to walking into a dressing room with a pile of fun items to try on in front of the multiple mirrors.


A pretty shirt with flowers catches my eye and as I hold it up it reminds me of my mom. What? I can't wear something my late mom would have worn, what is wrong with me? The floral goes back in its place and I see a super cute little jacket on a nearby mannequin. Would this work on me? Is it too young? I don't want to look like I am trying to be younger than I am.


But I also do not want to look like my 77 year old mother!  


I seem to have lost myself. It has been two years since I have worked a full-time job "out there", with other people all day. I have been working from home for several months and the smart outfits were slowly but steadily replaced by comfortable sweatpants and soft shirts. Make-up only happens a few times a week and shoes even less. 


I do not know how to dress anymore! I will be 58 next week. Is that old, is that middle age? I don't know and maybe that has nothing to do with how I dress or what style I choose. But I do not even know what I like anymore.


I drive home with one small bag containing a pair of black yoga pants, no longer giddy. I will not try these on with my other clothing once I get home like I used to do. The stretchy pants are still in my closet with the tags attached. I don't want them to get all ruined and ugly like my old sweatpants.


I went clothes shopping and lost myself. If you find me, let me know Ok?