A Totally Unprovoked Rant About Hobby Lobby

6 years ago

As a wedding florist, it seems I am constantly running to Hobby Lobby. Even though I try to do so much in advance, there is always something missing at the 13th hour.

Rocks. Floating candles. A single glass cylinder. Ribbon. And more ribbon. Miles and piles of ribbons. Even though I pretty much have every color ribbon in my arsenal I am always missing that ONE color I need. I have three shades of aqua, but no navy. I have two versions of white EXCEPT for white white. (Brides are funny when talking about their dresses: It's ecru. It's eggshell. It's pure white. It's called Old Lace. Ladies, we have two colors of ribbon: Cream and white. Take your pick.)

Anyways, I am always at the Hobby Lobby. And every time I am there, I find more things to hate about it, like a bitter granny.

And here they are, all the Eleven Things that Annoy Me about Hobby Lobby. Aren't you glad you stopped by the blog today?

1. Why does Hobby Lobby not have automatic doors? I am more than fine to push a door open on my own, but not when I am trying to maneuver a cart full of 15 glass bowls through the doors and down the sidewalk. A place that sells massive amounts of glass, breakable goods and furniture should have automatic doors, no?

2. Speaking of furniture, who in their RIGHT MIND would buy Hobby Lobby furniture? First of all, it's way over-priced. I actually laugh out loud when I look at their furniture. Why buy a 400 dollar HL table that looks like it's made of wicker/particle board when you could go buy an ACTUAL wood table from an ACTUAL furniture store for about that amount? It boggles the mind. Who buys it? And WHY?

3. Their constant reliance (or hope) that wrought iron decor is going to make a massive comeback. I was on the wrought iron thing for awhile. Right before I got married, in 2003. Inspired by pictures of women lounging in bathtubs with wrought iron hooks on the wall and burning candles, I bought a mother load of what could only be called "Wrought Iron Vomit". We had also registered for a lot of "Wrought Iron Vomit". My house looked like a dungeon for awhile. But even that was better than the COLORED wrought-iron craze that was about to hit Hobby Lobby. Now I can't go into the store without being assaulted by horrific shades of iron, tin and sheet metal dyed red, blue, teal and (gurp.) yellow. In all sort of swirls and barf-rific patterns. I know that everyone has their own taste, and I'm sure there are some very chic exceptions, but...Hobby Lobby? Let's move on. It's been like 10 years. Put down the wrought iron AND the tin. Walk away.

4. Their general lack of checkers when the line is 50 people deep. I always approach the counter and get in line (single ribbon in hand, right behind a lady buying 42 different kinds of fabric swatches and returning a broken nativity) and then we all just stand around, as the lone check-out person slowly beeps. And beeps. And beeps. And chats. And beeps. She doesn't' call for back-up, OH NO, even though there is a crafty mob ready to attack. Nope. Beep. When I've been waiting for 30 minutes, a manager appears, gives a sheepish grin to the crowd and starts taking people in line. Wouldn't it be easier to just HAVE two checkers there all the time??

5. The strange European creepy lady (SECL) who works in the glass department. I use a lot of glass. I buy a lot of glass. Chances are, if I'm in your glass section, I'm about to clean you out of a certain type of vase. She always eyes me with disdain as I approach. I ask "Excuse me, do you have any more of these?" First, SECL mumbles angrily to herself while shoving a wreath behind a shelf. She gives me another mean look. SECL rambles to the back muttering, where she disappears for 22 minutes and returns. "No. No more." This is what I imagine happens when she goes into the back. 1. Smoke break. 2. Calls European neighbors to catch up 3. Knits a leather brassiere. 4. Eats lunch. 5. Strangles some kittens. 6. Plays darts on a dartboard with my face on it. 7. Returns to me and says "No."

6. The ugliest silks in the world live at Hobby Lobby. Happily. Brown flowers, bright aqua flowers, glittery flowers, pinks that are found nowhere in nature, flowers the size of your face, hundreds of drapey, unidentifiable flowers, BLACK flowers...they are all there at Hobby Lobby. Want to make a spectacculaulry ugly arrangement? Well, head over to the HL, because they are ready to help you out! Maybe this is beacuse I'm an actual florist, or maybe it's just because I'm not followed by a cloud of rose scented perfume, but I hate their silks. And, I totally am for silks in the home! My recommendation? Head to Michaels - or better yet, World Market. They have MUCH better silks than Hobby Lobby. And avoid brown, black or crazy colored flowers at all cost. They aren't found in nature. The gig is up.

7. The bewildering set up: Why are mason jars in the craft section and not next to glassware? Why is satin ribbon in the wedding aisle AND the fabric aisle? Why are photography albums right next to the puffy paint aisle and not the frames aisle? Arggghhhh.....

8. Their wedding selection. A wedding thrown by Hobby Lobby looks like this. A bride, decked from head to toe in netted tulle and glitter, kisses her Mom - wearing a hideous white silk rose corsage - and walks down the aisle with her Dad. At the ceremony, under hundreds of yards of tulle and balloons, she carries a silver and white silk arrangement. Question - if the flowers are silk WHY are they in a plastic bouquet holder??? That's for keeping flowers alive when you have to do a cascade. What the WHAT? Then, after a ceremony full of bows, they party at the reception, where each table is the full monty. Mirror tiles, votives, glass rocks in 12 colors, candles and hurricanes. Netted bags of candy. Tiny heart confetti sprinkled over everything. A bride and groom figured dance on a ribbon. There are almonds and hershey kisses and lace baskets and an exploding centerpiece of silk white carnations, dotted with hot pink pearls. The table glows with TACKY. (Should be noted, some of these things can be really cute by themselves...just not all together). And the bride goes home, devastated, because all she wanted was elegance, but unfortunately she had a Hobby Lobby credit card to max out.

9. I like the Christian hymns that are played over the intercom. I do NOT like that I hear the same three songs every single time I go in there. How have the employees not staged a revolt yet? I see a wild employee attack in some manager's future. "NO MORE MY HOPE IS BUILT OR GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN!!! You hear me?? I can't TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Yikers.
Want some good Christian music? May I recommend some Brooke Fraser, Sara Groves, Autumn Film, Daniel Craig or Dave Crowder? No?

10.I am always annoyed that their Christmas stuff goes up in like, September. That is the WORST. Just when I want to enjoy Halloween and Thanksgiving, I am inundated with Santa, red and greens, bags, books, ornaments and fake trees. I just want a glittery spider, you know? (By the way, all that stuff that is wedding tacky = TOTALLY awesome in Halloween form.) Why must it be SO early, and WHY must we have Christmas music in October?

11. Their complete reliance on single word decor. Everywhere I turn, something instructs me to "Dream". Dream to be what? Or dream in bed? "Believe". Believe in what? God? Jesus? Superman? Yourself? Bono? "Faith". Uhh...check? "Trust". In me? In Hobby Lobby? In life? In pudding? WHAT? TELL ME!!! "Family". Yes, I have one of those...

And there, those are the big 11, although I could probably list 10 more, but they wouldn't be interesting or relevant to other people. "One time, a guy FARTED in the aisle next to me and ran."

My new favorite thing is that my friends say "HL CRAP" all the time now. At the craft fair, "Don't buy that. That totally looks like HL CRAP."

Nice. Still, I am glad that Hobby Lobby is there, because I so frequently need to raid it's glass or ribbon aisle. I'm glad that it employees nice people, and that it has a Christian base. And I know that with the right skills, many of my friends and neighbors could make jaw-dropping gorgeous things with HL Crap, things that I would pay a pretty penny for.

But like, the outdoor summer stuff? Neon wire butterflies and giant yellow garden gnomes? Seriously?

I'm done now. Readers, what are your store pet peeves - where and why?

Love,

Colleen

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