I live in southern Arizona and it's already starting to warm up – during the summer months we can reach upwards of 120 degrees Fahrenheit. So this means that very soon we will be scheduling as many water-centered activities as we possibly can. This week when I went to pull out last summer’s swimsuit, I realized it was looking bad. Like really bad. Unfortunately, this meant it was time to go swimsuit shopping.
I am not sure how you personally feel about swimsuit shopping, but for me it's not even in my list of top 10,000 fun things to do. It's a little more akin to psychological torture, and no matter how I prep myself for this yearly ritual, I know how it's going to go down.
So here are 17 thoughts I had while on my most recent shop for swimsuits.
- Why does a large swim bottom look like something I could fit only one arm through?
- Am I in the juniors section?
- If vintage is hot right now, where are those adorably modest swim dresses from the 1900s? I would rock one of those so hard.
- Must avoid anything with strings that are intended to hold the ladies up, because I'm a mom and children do not respect the strings. And I do NOT want a repeat of what happened the last time my toddler fiddled with those strings while we were at a public pool ...
- OK, it's time to hit the dressing room! Grab the first one off the knob and take a look at the peel off sticker on the crotch of the swimsuit. Why don't men's swimsuits have the little peel off stickers inside of them?
- If the peel off sticker is missing from inside the swimsuit, will I be left with some irreversible disease by trying on that particular suit?
- Oh my gosh, this has got to be a fun house mirror, because my butt is NOT that big! Is it?! I quickly text my husband to ask. He texts back telling me to snap a picture and let him see. I suspect shenanigans. For some reason, I take the picture. I look at the picture. Aaaaaaghhhh!! Where is the delete button! Aaaaaaghhhh!!! Is there a delete button for my eyes!
- OK this next suit looks cute. It says it has a support panel. I hope it's a really strong support panel!
- Nope. It's not that strong.
- I don't drink, but maybe if I had before I came it would have made things a heck of a lot better. I'll keep that in mind for next time.
- I really wish I had someone to give me their honest opinion about this suit.
- Um, scratch that thought, because the look on the sales lady's face when I just opened the door in this swimsuit is all the feedback I need.
- I hate summer.
- I just won't go swimming this year.
- I will instead invest in muumuus and make them look cool.
- At last! I. Have. Found. One!
- Now I just need to find the perfect cover up that goes from head to toe!
Have fun swimsuit shopping!
Queen Mom Jen
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