Know what I dread, besides deadlines at work, paying rent, first dates, looking at myself naked in bright light and my birthday?
Well, yes, come to think of it, all of those things … but what I really, really dread is Crate-&-Barrel-Catalog-In the-Mail-Day.
I effing hate Crate & Barrel.
To save you the agony of actually having to look at the catalog, I have paraphrased all 67 beautiful, glossy, air-brushed pages of the “January Inspiration 2015” edition below:
Blah, blah, blah, look at all these perfect people, blah blah, you'll never be able to afford all these pretty things you want and if you can, you'll outfit your house in all of it and hate yourself for being a sell-out yuppy … blah, blah, blah, what do you mean you only have red and white wine glasses, don't you have separate glassware for Cabernet, Burgundy, Bordeaux, Zinfandel, Pinot Noir, rose, Chardonnay, sparkling and sweet wine? YOU LOSER!
Blah blah, buy some crap you don't need from Crate & Barrel, yeah!
Since I am not lucky enough to have someone paraphrase the catalog for me (YOU'RE WELCOME!!), I must look at it myself, and look at it I do! And carefully, at every agonizing page.
Internal Monologue: Aww, that snow is so beautiful. Look how happy they seem. Why did I leave New Hampshire, again?
I could totally live there. I'd snuggle up with my hot cocoa wine and a $3,000 Crate & Barrel throw on my $10,000 leather chair and I'd gaze off into the snow out the windows with the fire blazing beside me. Kind of like this:
Life would be perfect and serene, and sometimes I'd have friends over in my oh-so-cute and professionally designed log cabin and we would do game night and drink drinks out of our fancy glasses that we got at Crate & Barrel.
And we would totally get along and not fight at game night like my friends now do.
It would be so great and perfect and totally expensive. Kind of like this:
Then, as the catalog suggests, we would all have a slumber party since the roads were disappearing in silent drifts of snow, and my perfect and helpful fiancé (of course we aren't MARRIED yet, silly, we still have to register for a whole bunch more shit we don’t need at Crate & Barrel) would fluff pillows for our friends.
Aww. Isn’t he cute? So helpful all the time. I know! Totally a keeper.
Then we would go to bed and sleep on our four-million-threadcount sheet cloud of a bed, and of course we would cuddle all night! (Chip likes to, he says it brings us closer, having our hearts beating next to each other.)
When we wake up, we host a perfect breakfast spread for our overnight guests on beautiful plates, and we aren't hungover at all from staying up all night. In fact, we're showered and dressed head-to-toe in Vineyard Vines clothes, and we're lively and ready to have another perfect and preppy day together! Let's go play in the snow! Yay!
*At this point, I'd be about ¾ finished with a bottle of wine, picking up the phone to call my sister.
“Hey, Sis, what’s up?” I can hear my niece yelling in the background.
“Oh, not much … just wanted to let you know I decided to move back to New England.”
“What? Kailee, stop that, get down! Tracy, you aren't moving back to New England! I mean, I want you back here more than anyone but … you hate it here! Where is this coming from?”
“It's not coming from anywhere, I just. I just think it's the right thing to do.
I've given it a lot of thought and, you know, Chip and I have been living in California for a long time now, and we just miss the snow.
I think it would be good for us to get back to our roots. I want the fireplace and Bordeaux wine glasses. Besides, Chip's flannel shirts stick out like a sore thumb here, and I'm sick of being hung over at breakfast.
So … I'm ready. I'm buying a log cabin, and we're doing it.”
Rustling sounds. I hear Kailee screech again in the background.
“Tracy! What did I tell you about the Crate & Barrel catalog? There is no Chip, you're not moving to NH and you don't even know what a Bordeaux glass is. Look, I gotta go, Kailee is getting wild. Call me in an hour when you're out of wine and have come to your senses. Seriously. Put the catalog down!”
“I don’t know what you're talking about,” I mumble as I flip the page.
Right before the phone hangs up, I catch, “Your auntie is crazy, K. Now it's time for your bath.” Click.
“I do TOO know what a Bordeaux glass is!” I grumble. It lets younger wines breathe, and the thin rim lets wine flow onto the tongue slowly. Anyone with access to a C&B catalog would know that. Bitch!
Before I give myself a chance to get totally depressed, I continue toward the end of the catalog and something catches my eye. Is that one too many glasses of wine or do I see two men dining together?
OMG. GAYS!! THERE ARE REAL LIVE GAYS IN CRATE & BARREL! Well, at least real live guys posing at gays or maybe they are, but that’s not the point!
Look at these two love birds! Hail to the gays! Hip, hip, hurray for C & B. It's about freaking time!
Three cheers for the queers! I'm so excited I don't know what hit me.
So I flip to the next page, and I'm even more giddy! Just look at these guys. They're so happy together.
Drinking wine and making spaghetti from scratch. I bet they are having a deep discussion about their feelings or politics or how much they missed each other during the day and how much they appreciate each other and all their millions of dollars worth of Crate & Barrel shit they're going to register for with their upcoming Nantucket wedding.
By now I'm practically peeing myself, and my log cabin life and Chip are completely forgotten (he was a d-bag, anyway, and not like I'm shallow but he wore way too much flannel for my liking).
Now, thanks to Crate & Barrel, I must become a perfectly groomed, spaghetti-making metro gay man.
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**This post was originally featured on the popular humor blog, Tracy on the Rocks
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