My Self Haircut Disaster

5 years ago

Let’s rewind today and go back to the late winter of 2010. Lady Gaga’s "Bad Romance" was at the top of the charts and the romcom Valentine’s Day was getting ready to hit the theaters. Jeffrey Campbell Litas were all the rage, and so were bangs. I am nothing if not a sucker for some trends — the bangs, not the Litas.


(Me, feeling very empowered with my new bangs, obviously)

On a whim, I had my hair stylist cut me some thick Zooey Deschanel-esque bangs. And she assured me that I could come in and she could trim them any time, for free! What I didn’t realize is that you have to get your bangs trimmed like every two weeks, lest you look more like Cousin It and less like an indie hipster. I don’t know about you ladies, but popping into the hairdresser every two weeks for my free bang trim was not something I really had time for. So, I watched a few tutorials on YouTube and just began trimming my bangs myself.

All was going well until my birthday in March. On March 28, 2010, I trimmed what would be my last bang. Here I am at my birthday party picnic on March 29, 2010.

That fateful day in March, I turned another year older, and unbeknownst to me, I was about to be another hair tip wiser. You see, I’m wearing these sunglasses because my eyeball underneath is totally red. After some Google research and some “help” from WebMD, I was convinced that somehow I had scratched my cornea during my bang trim. Every time I would blink, my eye got redder and more irritated. But, the birthday party must go on and the pain/irritation wasn’t anything that a couple carafes of sangria couldn’t cure.

The following Monday, my eye hadn’t gotten any better, so I made an appointment with an eye doctor. After investigating my eyeball with a magnifying glass, he found that a teeny tiny hair had gotten lodged in my tear duct, so every time I opened and closed my eyelid, I was irritating my eyeball. The next step? Remove the teeny tiny hair, obviously. And how did he do that? I lay very, very, very, very, very still while he used a pair of tweezers to remove the hair while looking at it under the microscope. That’s right, folks, there was a PAIR OF TWEEZERS NEXT TO MY EYEBALL THAT COULD HAVE STABBED MY EYE IF I HAD MOVED EVEN ONE MILLIMETER.

The next day, I promptly began the arduous process of growing out my bangs and will never ever cut my own bangs again, no matter how many YouTube tutorials I watch. And neither should you. Some things should be left to the beauty professionals.

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