Inventions We'd Like To See

6 years ago

There's been a lot of talk in the beauty industry lately about multi-tasking products. You've probably seen ads for some of them:  eye creams that disguise and treat, self-tanners that also moisturize and exfoliate, toothpastes that clean and whiten.

But I think we can do better. We are living in a modern, industrialized culture, after all. Humans have traveled in space. We can shop for a dizzying array of products that we don't need, online, 24 hours a day, without changing out of our pajamas. Drive-through hamburgers are available at every major intersection.  And there's enough reality TV programming to fill every channel, around the clock, for the rest of our lifetimes.

Image: Pink Sherbet Photography via Flickr

Surely it's not too much to expect a few modest technological advances, just to make our daily lives a little easier.  Here's what I'd like to see:

  • Computer screens that emit anti-aging ions.  Because if I'm going to be tied to my screen 18 hours a day, I'd like to have something to show for it.
  • Bras with straps that provide a soothing shoulder massage.
  • Contact lenses that instantly make your eyes look awake and alert.
  • Magic bracelets that deflect complaints, whining, and negativity from others.  You remember how Wonder Woman used to block bullets with hers?  These would work just like that.
  • Hand cream that contains sunscreen, anti-aging ingredients, and a space-age polymer that prevents these ingredients from going down the drain every time you wash your hands.
  • Underwear that doesn't ride up, down, or sideways.  It should also make you feel so invincible that you look everybody in the eye, never being the first to blink.
  • Shoes that make you a good dancer, instantly.
  • A coffee-based cleanser that makes your face look as bright and awake as the first cup of coffee makes you feel in the morning.
  • A special concealer that makes pimples, undereye circles, and age spots invisible to ex-boyfriends, potential employers, and mean girls.
  • A salon-style hood hair dryer that descends from the ceiling of your car, drying your hair while you commute to work.  Because honestly, people, hair-drying just takes too damn long.
  • A shampoo that washes away negative thoughts and pointless worries.
  • Clothes hangers that will automatically select matching items, blinking at you with color-coded lights on mornings when you just can't deal.
  • A magnetized wristband with all vital statistics about our clothing sizes.  When we go shopping, we would no longer have to find the correct size by rifling through dozens of ****ing plastic hangers that get tangled up in each other, trying to read labels in fiendishly small print. The magnetized wristband would attract the correctly sized items right to it.
  • Time-released cosmetics.  No need to touch up during the day!  Lip gloss, blush, and concealer would refresh themselves.
  • Dental floss that tastes like chocolate.  Somebody has to remove the dread from this chore.
  • Shoes that inject a cooling, soothing gel into your feet all day long.
  • Tights and stockings with an anti-itch substance built right in.
  • Cologne that's only detectable by those who like the scent, or who aren't allergic to it.
  • A special belt that lets you eat all day long without your waistband gradually feeling tighter and tighter.
  • A night cream that erases all worries about the next day.  You wake up feeling completely optimistic.

What inventions would YOU like to see?

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