After His Infidelity: I Changed Me Back to Myself

6 years ago

Back in November I decided I needed to change myself.

I dyed my hair.

I changed my clothes.

I changed my attitude.

I changed me.

It wasn't for worse, it wasn't for better, it just was. I was happy with the "new" me, happy with how I looked (aside from the weight I am still struggling to lose) and happy with finally feeling, well, happy.

I needed it.

I needed the change.

Yesterday, I changed my hair color back to close to my natural color. It's a chocolate brown with a bit of red to it and I'm me again. This is the me whose skin I am comfortable to be in. And, I'm glad to say that I think I am finally feeling comfortable again.

The truth is, back in November when I changed the way I looked and acted, I didn't just do it for me. I did it because I was scared. I was afraid of losing Russ, or, losing him more than I already had. As many times as he was able to tell me back then that he loved me, not her, I didn't believe him.

I was insecure.

I always have been and the infidelity just forced all of my insecurities in my face.

And it was deafening.

I didn't want to be competing with her, but I was, in my own head. It was me allowing my insecurities to compare everything she was to him and everything I wasn't.

Rather than focusing on all he and I had together and what he didn't have with her, I focused on it the other way around and it was maddening.

But, I have finally come to a place where I am comfortable, where I know in all of this mess, the one thing I have always had is God's love. And that's enough for me. I can love me as God wants me to be loved and so can Russ. And he does.

Russ sees that beauty in me that God wants and needs him to see and it's been a revelation for us, for our relationship. I have read many books on infidelity and almost laughed when couples have said they "grew closer together because of the infidelity." It just sounded so ridiculous to me, almost as if to say it was a "good thing" he cheated. But, now coming out on this side of things, six months later, I can, with full clarity say that we are growing so much closer together because of what we have been through. It has forced us to connect in ways we had never "bothered" before and it has made us that much closer to our faith. God has become so much more in our marriage than ever before and it's through Him that we're finding our salvation.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. ~ 1 Peter 4:8

Own Your Beauty is a groundbreaking, year-long movement bringing women together to change the conversation about what beauty means. Our mission: to encourage and remind grown women that it is never too late to learn to love one's self and influence the lives of those around us - our mothers, friends, children, neighbors. We can shift our minds and hearts and change the path we follow in the pursuit of authentic beauty.

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I write about my life raising my 9 children, autism, pediatric cancer awareness and, most recently, surviving infidelity at Who Says 8 is Enough?

I also manage a private online support group called Faith, Hope, Marriage for women dealing with and surviving infidelity. Please contact me for information.

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