I’ve been invited to a red carpet event and have no idea where to start. I don’t look like a celebrity, I don’t act like a celebrity and I sure don’t have a celebrity’s closet. Where do I start?
There’s a saying among my people when we go to assemble a celebrity for a big red carpet event: "It takes a village."
You’d look like a celebrity too if you had a crack team of highly paid hair, makeup and wardrobe stylists combing, painting and yanking you into a staggering array of designer labels to then be propelled in front of a cinematographer who will blast enough light on your face to banish the wrinkles of The Crypt Keeper. For that matter, I’d look like a movie star.
Everybody deserves their own red carpet moment. Following are some insights -- taken from thinly disguised real-life moments -- to help you avoid the pitfalls of the red carpet. (Note: None of this has ever happened to anyone I’ve ever dressed. Ever.)
Yes, they give you a fabulous shape. However, you may want to test drive this idea to make sure you aren’t claustrophobic. It’s not something you should find out after you’re in the limo. Peeling it all off and then getting the gazillion-dollar-gown back on while en route will test the commitment of even the most stalwart boyfriend. And speaking of which, get yourself arm candy.
Nothing relieves the stress of the red carpet like being squired around by the latest thing in high cheekbones and bedroom eyes. And besides, you’ll need someone to help you up flights of stairs because your dress is so tight.
I love the way these look, especially when they’re so thick it appears as though you got a badger stuck in your eye. I can’t have them because I swim and they come off inside my goggles, which causes me to run into my teammates more than usual.
All I can say is wait at least 24 hours before trying on all the white dresses in town.
Even though it takes a jackhammer and some kind of radioactive isotope to get them off, my girls swear by them, so have at it.
Jewelry loan out
Very generous of Harry Winston to lend -- lend, mind you -- the big rocks and all as long as you don’t mind having a security guard lurking just off-camera. They’re there because the nice jeweler will almost always want their bling back.
Proof positive that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you’re on the A-list, it’s tough to get one that hasn’t been worn by someone, somewhere. Ask to see a dry cleaning receipt. I’m just saying.
The gifting tent
Abandon hope all ye who enter here. Go early or be prepared to wrestle your fellow nominees to the ground for the best in watches, handbags and designer gewgaws. Everyone is very well behaved until there’s a Patek Philippe at stake.
The Master Cleanse
I’m going to be honest with you. It’s just not something you should be sharing with the press.
More red carpet secrets
Hey y’all! I’m really excited about my new show, Secrets of the Red Carpet, now streaming live on Saturdays at noon PST, 3 p.m. EST, with all episodes available on video on demand. Go here now!
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