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Johnny Depp: Single but not ready to mingle

Kat Hobza resides in sunny Western Montana. She is the Senior Authoress Specializing in Sarcasm at www.funnyfreelance.com. Okay, she’s the only authoress at funny freelance. When she’s not formulating tongue-in-cheek ideas and content as...

Get this boy a makeover

What in thunder is going on with Johnny Depp’s look? He’s all over the place. He’s part cowboy, part hippie, part rock star, part intellectual (we’re pretty sure he stole those glasses from the set of Secret Window). Now that this boy is single again, he needs help. Here are a few pointers to take Johnny Depp's look from ‘what the heck’ to ‘Hello Johnny!’
Johnny Depp

Bathe

Johnny, we love ya, but we can smell you from here. We’re not sure if being hygienically challenged is part of your rock star vibe, but we’re not feeling it. At all. You look like you smell of coffee grounds, body odor and ground-in dirt with just a hint of urine. Frankly we’d rather roll around in the back of a garbage truck than get in a car with you. Make friends with a bar of soap.

Get a decent haircut

What is going on atop Johnny Depp’s head is anyone’s guess. It’s usually covered in some sort of cowboy-ish hat (similar to the ones you find at tourist traps on the beach). What is sticking out from the hat looks like the scraggly remains of a fright wig that John-John dug out from under a pile of dirty underwear. That hair may have worked for Willy Wonka, but it’s doing a whole lot of nothing for Johnny Boy. If he wanted to grow out a head of Jack Sparrow hair, that would be just fine with us (minus the beaded goatee).

Pick an identity

What exactly does Johnny Depp want to be when he grows up? A cowboy? A rock star? A college professor? A hippie? We’re just kind of wishing he’d pick a theme and go with it. Few things irritate women the world over more than seeing a gorgeous man foul up his looks with a bunch of junk jewelry, bad eyewear and a goofy hat. Johnny needs to bust out of this mass confusion and remind us that he is one of the most attractive men in Hollywood.

It’s possible he is under the grievous misconception that he looks cool, so we’ll clear that up right now. It’s not cool. It’s just confusing. Perhaps just rock the cowboy vibe for a while. Find a real cowboy hat, faded jeans and worn cowboy boots. This look can cross over into rock star, but we’re giving Johnny permission to wave bye bye to the hippie/collegiate look for a while. It’s not working for you, Big Guy.

Watch: How to cut your man's hair

Ladies, save your man's money to spend on yourself. Men, ask her to cut your hair so you have beer money.

More on Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp passes the buck on sign language snafu
Johnny Depp hated life until he had kids
Movie review: Dark Shadows

Photo credit: WENN.com
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