So now that we're all on the same page, we can move on to embracing this wonderful new invention — underwear that effectively hides your farts from the world. They're called Shreddies, and while the name isn't terribly pleasant ("shredding" = farting in the urban dictionary vernacular), they provide a fabulous service.
This line of intimate apparel is designed in a fabric that claims to filter the stinky air you emit when you fart. So, if you've been able to master the "silent but deadly" flatulence release, no one will ever be the wiser, because wearing this underwear means the "deadly" after-smell will be nil.
The United Kingdom brand that's responsible for creating this ingenious line of skivvies discovered a material called "Zorflex," which is as magical as it sounds. It acts as a filtering panel and is placed strategically over your bum to neutralize any offensive odors that might come out of there. According to its website, "Due to its highly porous nature, the odour vapours become trapped and neutralised by the cloth, which is then reactivated by simply washing the garment."
Carbon is apparently the key to Zorflex's power. If you're thinking this sounds way too good to be true, the company assures you its underwear has been rigorously tested. "Findings from research by De Montfort University were presented at the 86th Textile Institute World Conference; the fabric 'was found to remove sulphide and ethyl mercaptan so effectively that it can filter odours 200 times the strength of the average flatus emission.'" I don't think anyone wants to imagine a fart that could probably knock out a village, but it's good to know.
While the concept may seem silly, the company is very serious about helping people with irritable bowel syndrome and other digestive problems that may be prone to excessive flatulence. It's embarrassing, and the anxiety that farting in public produces can actually cause you to fart more. This astounding invention allows you to "fart with confidence," whether you're at home or out on the town.
The underwear comes in several styles for men and women, because, lest we forget, women do not pass wind that smells like roses. The company has also developed a line of flatulence-proof pajamas and even jeans. Here's a handy visual guide to show you how to use them most effectively.
The underwear works best if it fits you snuggly. When you pass gas, you want to keep your legs together, whether you're standing or sitting, to make sure most of the "wind" is passing through the back filter and not out the sides. In case you're not already searching the site for your perfect brief, here are some amazing testimonials from real customers.
"I've tried my Shreddies and I love them! Thank you so much! They're amazing! It's hard to believe that they actually work, but they really do. I've had stomach troubles for years, and the idea that there exists a pair of underwear which can take away the worry (not to mention the odor) of having a 'flatulent belly' is such a relief." — Lisa, Canada
"All I know is that you guys probably saved my career. This underwear works!!!" — Billy B, Arizona
"I've been wearing your Shreddies since last Friday. I'm not taking them off! I truly love them. I can pass gas and nobody around me knows it! My life has improved dramatically. I might even consider dating again." — N Drust, USA
So there you have it, folks. If you need me, I'll be doing some online shopping.
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