You now have a big job in front of you, Caroline. I don’t usually do this, but I’ll share a little bit of my personal life here.
About a decade ago, I told my then-girlfriend that she “waddled” when she walked. I can’t remember now why I said this. Clearly, I was reacting to some issue between us. My girlfriend, I can assure you, wasn’t a penguin. Penguins waddle. Humans do not.
But I was hurt and lashing out. Men lash out by criticizing the female body. It’s the lesson we learn from society. We’re taught, as men, that there’s a perfect body form. We’re taught that women should be going after that form. We have our image of that form in our heads and we hold that picture up against the woman in the room.
Women lash out by telling men how emotionally or psychologically unequipped they are. It’s the lesson women learn from society. Men are emotionally stunted. Men watch football. Men drink beer. Men buy cars. Men don’t talk in substantive, introspective terms on emotion.
My girlfriend never forgave the “waddling” comment. Why? We never really addressed it. We waddled around the waddling comment. And it festered. And it built up resentment. And it built up frustration. And when the end came, it stung.
Caroline, you have to tell your boyfriend exactly what you’re feeling. Be very clear. Explain why he hurt you. Explain the consequences of that hurt. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t send a message. This is not a subliminal advertisement. Use very clear, thoughtful language, in a clear, thoughtful voice. There are a number of things on the line. Your self-esteem. The future of your relationship. How you view men.
Do not, under any circumstances, return fire with fire. Don’t run down a list of his awfuls. Again, be honest with your feelings. This is about you. Make him understand your perspective.
What are you hoping to achieve here? Yes, you want a sincere apology. That’s important. But more importantly, you need to know that he gets it. You need to trust that this sort of intolerable commentary never happens again.
That only happens through training. We need to train each other. This is where you start. You can turn a deep hurt into something relationship building.
Women don’t waddle. Penguins do.
Another letter dealt tangentially with male commentary. A fellow named Brice wrote, "I am gay, and in love with a classmate. I told him I was in love with him and wanted him, and he just looked at me and walked away, without saying anything. He's so fine! Is there a chance he is still gay?"
Brice, where to start? I don’t usually do this but I’ll share a little bit of my personal life here. In my freshman year of college, a guy asked me out. I’d never before been asked out by a man. I’d grown up in a very heterosexual way. I didn’t know what to say. I said nothing. I felt embarrassed. I felt humiliated.
Do you know why? I realized at that moment that I had all kinds of prejudices against gays. Covert prejudices. Subversive prejudices. I thought I was the tolerant type. I thought I was free of prejudice. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I confronted my prejudices. Five or so years later, I moved to the Castro in San Francisco. The Castro is the gay ghetto. I surrounded myself with gay men. I was probably the only single, straight man in the Castro. My landlords, a gay couple named Mark and Mark (that’s another issue, lovers with the same name), didn’t understand what a single, straight man was doing in the Castro. I was cleansing myself of this unctuous prejudice.
That’s my experience. Your fellow might not have felt the embarrassment or the humiliation, or even the prejudice, but he did resort to silence and he did walk away. This guy is not gay.
On another level, Brice, you owe this guy an apology. Not for asking him out. Had you asked him out in a courteous manner there wouldn’t be a problem here. But you asked this man out in a really lecherous way. Did you really tell him that you wanted him? Did you say you loved him? Did you tell him that he was fine? Can you be any more moronic?
There’s something to be said for courtship. There’s something to be said for grace. It’s called respect. The dating game, straight or queer, has rules. Rule number one: be respectful. If you practice politeness, politeness will be returned to you.
