The situation room

There’s a room down in the basement of my apartment building. A windowless room. A sealed room. A sweaty, greasy, shabby room, despite the new shag carpet and the fine leather furniture and the oversized plasma television screen.

I call it the “Situation Room.” The doormen of the building call it the “Porn Room.” It’s where they go, on their lunch breaks, before and after shifts, if they have five minutes for a quickie, to get their fill of porn.

I did a little snooping around down in the Situation Room, with gloves on, to find out the sexual interests of porn-loving doormen.

meet the guys

Jesus from Ecuador
To understand their interests, first you must meet the men. There’s Jesus from Ecuador. He’s a stocky sort of a guy. He lifts weights in his spare time. He watches baseball. He wears white socks with a dark suit. He has three daughters and an ex-wife and he watches every female for just a flicker of interest. 

Sal from the Dominican Republic
There’s Sal from the Dominican Republic. He’s a cute guy with a bald head and a goatee and a paunch belly. He speaks the English of curse words. Like Jesus, he has too many children. Like Jesus, he’s never used a condom in his life. 

In a public porn room, by the way, condoms are a good idea. They make clean up a whole lot easier.

Atom from Poland
Finally, there’s Atom from Poland. He’s the Super of the building. He’s an overweight slob who appears on the edge of a heart attack at all times. Even doing the simplest jobs, like changing out the smoke detector, he sweats and grunts and moans and labors.

I wonder if those are his reactions to porn.  I assume so.

Down in the Situation Room, I found a bookshelf with videos displayed. Each guy has his own stocked shelf. There are also half-filled shelves. For the part-time doormen, I assume. In this study I am targeting only the full-time employees.

Jesus likes his porn Latin style. On his shelf, there are a whole series of videos called “Teen Latin Dolls.”  Jesus owns editions 1-10. According to Sal, who freely offered his views on the others, Jesus likes his porn stars underage. He likes to watch “the backdoor entry,” in the words of Sal, with the curse words deleted. Jesus owns the entire “Ass Feast” set, 13 videos in all, as of this writing.

According to Sal, his favorite porn star is “BellaSpice, because she has a perfectly round butt.”

I watched BellaSpice in “Ass Feast #3.” She does have a perfectly round butt. She’s also young enough to be one of Jesus’s daughters.

The Super of the building, Atom, has a specific porn preference too. Atom’s shelf is a tribute to “big, gargantuan breasts on the Eastern Europeans,” according to Sal, again with the curse words deleted.  Atom owns the entire Silvia Saint collection, the Czech porn star with the big breasts and the large mouth. Atom owns the Claudia Rossi collection, the redheaded porn star with, you guessed it, big breasts. Atom’s favorite is Victoria Sin, the former East German porn star now in retirement.

I watched a video called “The Classic Sin.” Indeed, Vicky S. meets Atom’s high standards.

As for Sal and his preferences, he turned strangely silent. When I gazed at his shelf of porn, including “In Da Booty #2” and the “Decadent Divas” series, starring the bodacious Briana Banks, aka Filthy Whore, Sal showed a side I’d never seen before. The shy, sensitive male side. The machismo of the Latin lover had turned into the demure runt of the litter. This from a large-boned man with a belly big enough to hold twins.

Sal didn’t want to talk about his bashfulness, or his porn preferences for that matter. As a commentator on his colleagues, Sal turned into Howard Cosell. When it came to his own infatuations, Sal went mute.  I doubt even the United States government and its love of torture could get Sal to talk.

Porn, apparently, is a personal matter.